He sat looking at something he couldn’t quite see clearly. Not anymore. Not like he could a few minutes ago. The stuff was kicking in and it was good. Exactly what he paid for. Somehow in that moment he realized that all the lunch money he scrounged up and the games he sold at the Gamestop was paying off. He couldn’t feel a thing. He couldn’t see a thing. It was good.
Make me forget and make me feel alive.
He leaned back in his chair and looked up at the ceiling and watched as it turned into a swirling blur. Moving around like the ebb and flow of tides, he saw the paint change colors and dance in front of his eyes. He grinned at it and reached for the sky. He extended his fingers as far as he could and he strained them as much as they would go. They felt like they were about to budge, to break, to pop out and shoot all the way to the top. He couldn’t reach. Then he started to remember everything else. The other things he couldn’t reach. Those objects in his mind and in front of his eyes that he couldn’t even touch.
She said she was okay with just being friends. I wasn’t.
He reached for another one. He didn’t know how long he was supposed to go before taking another, but he didn’t like to remember. Not like that. He liked the flow, the rush, the emptiness and light feeling in his chest. Not being able to breathe and feeling as if it had been too much. He became comfortable with the thought of not waking up. He knew he had enough just for that. It cost him a lot, but he had enough just for that. His finger danced around the pill like a bird courting a mate. Jumping and dancing, displaying and spinning, chirping songs of praise and promise. They were courting. Would he take her in? Would he be able to grasp her? His finger kept circling around. He didn’t know if he wanted to pick it up.
This will probably do me. Let’s see how far it’ll take me. I have nothing to lose and nothing ahead. I can do it again. I can do it. Let me see what’s behind the door.
He pinched it between his index and thumb then picked it up and inspected it. The room was spinning so it was hard to look at something so small. He put it in his mouth and took a swig of water and closed his eyes. His head dropped and his hands rested on his thighs as his body slowly slumped forward. He felt his weight pulling him away from his chair. There was a thud and he was on the floor. He turned around and looked intently at his ceiling.
He watched it dance.
